So this past weeks have been full of ups and downs and a lot of running up and down as well. I know I always sound like my life is full of hive and activities (which is true) and sometimes those activities threaten to give you a burn out!and boy don’t we hate burn outs, they have a way of draining you to the last of the energy you have in store. Part of your journey though, especially in your twenties involves burnouts especially embracing and more so managing them. I say managing because for most of our lives we have seminars and trainings on how to manage this and that and eventually how to be our own boss.
As life would have it though, not all important lessons are learnt in class…. Others can only be experienced #schooloflife. I am typing this down at almost midnight after my bestie slept on me quite literally as we were talking on the phone. So here am I pondering on the best fit to throw tomorrow morning and the greatest heart break and betrayal story to come up with, and by the way I am quite good at it. That aside though, my interesting mood and thoughts just led me on to really thinking about vulnerability in my twenty year old mind. Just the way I understand it.
You see B is or rather happens to be my best friend (of course I must throw shade how could you dose off lol) for almost nine years now, and its not like I haven’t had friends before or they were less important, it’s just that in the past nine years I have and still are learning that it is okay not to wing it just yet! I learnt that it is okay not to have always been number one. Or better still, that my value as a person isn’t based on what I have achieved, or owned or some class set by the society… but on the fact that I am a human being. It’s exciting to know that nothing changes that and nothing I do can earn me that value except just be a human being.
This didn’t happen overnight though, initially the struggle was real. You know the way you meet someone (in high school) and you are kinda intrigued by a quality or two in them (I was intrigued by his silence) and then you hang out a couple of times then you realize that this guy is special. Like there is something special about them, and then you realize that you have a couple of similar interests and perspectives and he is literally goals and so you start doing goal-ish (like gifting and texting them) things for them to see that you regard them as goals? Try that with a quiet close to expressionless mostly serious fellow. Yes I just describe a “resting bitch face”. Now join me in saying “wow Nyake smart move baba smart move” very sarcastically. Long story short trying to be “nice” flopped. So we were just friends.
Breakthrough came though, when the goals side of me came off and I was a mess completely… i.e. tissue, sobs and that ugly stuff. That was when the bond just solidified. When I could eat unsliced bread and not feel uncouth. When I could just cry… and not have to wait for girlfriends meeting to cry my weeklong sorrows. When I could ask him to see If I soiled my dress… or I could shout cramps from the other end of the room and he douesnt give me that “abomination” look or the “wrong topic” stare. It was when he could cry… and not feel weird about it… or when he could speak his mind.
Sometimes, we hamper relations and being truly ourselves because we are too busy winging it and looking Gangsta as it were. We end up crumbling under our own walls that we have built. Just thought I should remind you in a rather lengthy way, to be kind to yourself…. Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to be… because in vulnerability lies our ability to experience love.
Also… I still need ideas of a fit to throw tomorrow. . Especially because I have just told you a story, so comment below. I would love to hear from you.
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Love and light