Hello loves and happy Friday

We have finally come to the end of the #soulfulmarchtheme on the blog. It’s been quite the month trying to really touch on most of the aspects of life in the most nutshell form. Hope you have enjoyed and learned a thing or two, no? In fact if you make it this far, please comment on your favorite articles that you have come across this past month. Thanks for engaging with me in my posts… and please keep being my company on the blog. (Lurkers I see you too) So to crown this theme up, today’s post is really about the greatest mistake that I have made in my life.

They always said that “man is to err” and granted I have made a couple of mistakes in my life, of varying magnitudes with varying consequences. If we documented just those I remember, we will be here a long time. This month though, has been very reflective and introspective for me. In one of those quiet me time moments, I realized that I was really not living my life optimally. It was at the point where I was having so much self-doubt, in a time when I needed to believe in myself in a way that I had not done before.

You see being born and bred the way I was, I could see where all the self-doubt came from. My folks did a mostly excellent job in raising us, apart from decision making and running with your choices. That close to never happened in our house, it was the parent said and we all followed… except when it came to academic and career where you got to choose. Generally though, we relied heavily on being in good books to survive the world and try and make the most out of our circumstances even when we had no clue why.

Then enter the growth phase where I was the chubbiest kid from the get go and the rest of my sisters were pretty small. So I stuck out like a sore thumb and not because of good reasons. In fact those food jokes that you give your chubby friends started from way back. So for obvious reasons, I grew up feeling everything apart from attractive. In fact at some point I made peace with the fact that nobody would look at me twice. When I got to high school I didn’t even bother to go for functions because breezing was almost a given (funny how I met B in a high school function)… I was so hell bent on getting external approval, that it broke me not to actually get it.

This was not only a self-problem; I noticed it when B walked into my life. I treated myself less than what I was, I always blamed myself if stuff wasn’t right… I searched for approval from him, from his peoples (this!!!) from the general public about us. I constantly felt that I needed to make everyone happy. The more I did it, the more draining it felt and the more hollow life was. It was literally tearing me apart…

I couldn’t live the life I had worked so hard to build for fear of opinions, or hold B’s hand because someone will say something. Heck I couldn’t even tell someone when they stepped on me or hurt my feelings because I would inevitably hurt their feelings, and I didn’t want to be the one to do that. I still don’t to be honest, but I am learning I must take uncomfortable stances sometimes.

So I decided to take back my life and my time and myself. I started by saying no; and it felt so oddly satisfying. It was like I had just stepped into the other side of fear… or that feeling you get when you finally get to Redhill and the air just changes… The “NO” was so liberating and empowering because it became easier to choose myself in subsequent decision making instances.

I am still learning and still growing. I still battle with choosing myself, but each day the struggle gets easier. I don’t even mean this in a selfish way, it is just choosing spaces that are enabling for growth, to become the person you were supposed to be. It is choosing to walk away from toxicity and into positive spaces. It’s saying no to your negative thoughts and reaching out when you have self-doubt. It is holding yourself accountable for the life you are making.

Remember if you don’t deal with small problems, they become big…and may get out of hand one day.

Always choose happy,

Nyake.

read other posts in the #soulfulmarchtheme here, here and here.