Crippling fear of beginnings

I’m sure that you are here because you read last week’s post and you are hoping to have a glimpse into how I deal with anxiety and my gripping fear of beginnings. Remember how I said that adulting was a scam? Here is lesson 101 of adulting…

I lied. I don’t know how to deal with it.. At least not yet. Now before you run away, I promised to at least give you insight on how I am trying to manage it. So you can chill with me for a bit. You may want to get a cup of tea, because as an adult you are way too familiar with this relaxing practice. I want to give you a little peek into where I think my fear is stemming from.

 

So growing up, I was pretty much a smart kid. Okay smart, not a genius. It got me where I needed to be and sometimes where I wanted to be. This was until I got to University and got my first big L. I got a supplementary. I remember it all so clearly. I was in my 3rd year when we got our first year results and I got a supplementary in Math. I remember the Math being hard, I just forgot /didn’t expect to feel that low/upset about failing the paper. I remember feeling dumb and not worth it. It was the first time that I had to come to terms with the fact that I had tied my value to education… And that had me shook to the core.

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Fast forward to a few years later, maybe two or so. We had a little group assignment to do. Everyone was pulling their weight as best as they could to make the deadlines and produce amazing work. Or so we thought… Because it turns out some of us were not seemingly convinced. They thought the best way to address their dissatisfaction was to call the lecturer and accuse some of us of laziness. This shouldn’t be a big deal right? Wrong! I have found that this instance really got to me. I felt attacked, and it appeared to me as an attempt of character assassination. It made me really question my ability and skill… And foe some reason this is where my mind usually resets as a default every time I encounter an L in my adult life…

Am I trying to reset to a different default? Yes. But it’s hard AF. Just like most adults, there is a lot of guess-work going on. I have found that anytime I encounter an L and go to my default… I channel the anger and helplessness I feel to a creative endeavor. That’s how my YouTube channel started.

Am I always successful? Nope. In fact of late I have been zeroing in there alot because I decided to revisit architecture a bit to see where my heart is in that regard. All the trauma that I associate with Architecture came rushing back, but we have been trying to channel it creatively as well.

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Also here is a pro tip: cuddles and hugs are a great way to get to talk about your frustration and fears in a safe space. Talking about it definitely makes the burden a little lighter and helps you explore stuff you kept inside…. I think this is a great cue for what we can talk about next week.

Here is our #supportagirl video for this week. Be sure to subscribe to the channel when you are done.

 

Hugs,

Nyake.

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